My new neighborhood is trying so hard to be a neverneverland for the popped-collar-wearing-wish-I-was-still-in-a-frat-picking-up-drunk-freshmen crowd, it's hard to see at this point just where I'll fit in. Especially when I pick up my journal and read: (Day 42) "...I want to spend the rest of my life surrounded by motivated, pensive, goal oriented, multi-talented, skilled in listening, active, articulate, soft hearted-strong skinned change makers..."Where do I find these people in New York? Shouldn't it be more obvious than it has been in my two weeks so far? Is it so rare to find someone with a conscience in a city so diverse? What in the hell was I doing tonight following peers to a bar called The Big Easy where their drink special was the Hurricane? This is funny to people? This disaster, this horrific loss of life, this lawless free-for-all of destruction, this helplessness consuming New Orleans right now is a perfect opportunity for clever and witty people to sell alcohol to New Yorkers? I'm trying to taste the city and so far it's overwhelmingly sour. Now I'm upset and dissapointed because I went to a bar with a whole lot of lame ex fraternity and sorority peoiple, right around the block from my new home - where the bar was called the Big Easy and the drink special was the hurricane, and where, apparently, this upset nobody but me, and where I left disgusted with New York and all the people I've met who are so damn obsessed with themselves and their own money and just wanting to have an innocent old good time, ignorant of everything else that's going on around them...and here I am, still not doing anything but reading about the horror stories, so what makes me any different?

I hate that I'm denying my culture shock. I walk through the New York streets with my head down. I'm hesitant and usually reluctant to smile at anyone, and when I do I feel like a stalker. I miss what I was doing only a month ago. I miss walking down a street with little to no purpose at all. I miss those unexpected invitations for frescos, which turn into cafecitos, which become dessert making sessions and eventually family dinners. There are no kids walking alone in these streets. No kids smiling shyly.

Here's one thing I swore not to be on Day 44:

2) Aggressive and accusational rather than humble and observant.

That's all I've been in New York. Can I apply the same open-mindedness to a city that moves so fast and requires quick decisions and decisive actions? I want to learn about this place like I wanted to learn about Costa Rica, but the approach that seemed appropriate there seems futile and weak up here. Here, there's no time for simply passing the time together. Time seems to have a sort of monetary value attached to it. In finding apartments, I've gotten to know nobody. I've survived on shallow and harshly judgemental business relationships, nothing more.

Day 44 - **Nothing makes me happier, having lived two more weeks, than the smile I earn from Nicole. Her eyes change, tiny little folds appear under the bottom lids, and Oh!! Like it's always waiting for me, always just below the surface waiting for sudden dispatch where the only variable is my own mood. If I want it she will share it. To see another person that happy...is the simplest thing, a pure, simple smile. **

A woman got onto the subway tonight, asking people if they could please offer up just a nickel, maybe a sandwhich, perhaps even a book - anything at all that would comfort her and her baby and help them make it through the night. My first thought was this: Liars. I examined her tone of voice: Too casual. I made sure not to make eye contact, staring alternately over her head and down at the ground. I wanted as quickly as possible to get away.

And here's the truth: Day 47

The 8 hours felt short in travel, and midway, reading Rich Dad Poor Dad I realized that Robert Kiyosaki is right. The ability to understand finances will be vital to my living the life I want to live, having the freedom to take a job for what I can do with it, not what it can do for me. In some way I will work with development, hopefully in the 3rd world, and along the way I'm going to be selling things one way or another. Increased financial literacy, learning to read numbers as a story and to differentiate assets from liabilities, I believe now, will prove invaluable regardless. If I want to do development, I better understand investing. All these more mature reasons considered, I'd perhaps be foolish not to at least try L&T. I'm at peace when I think of what I may learn. I'm in turmoil when I think of the industry. I'll be criticized either way, so the decision is really only mine. Anti-corporatism is beginning to appear naive. What seems mature is the more active mindset of learning how to steer the corporate to where I want it to go. The peace corps now seems selfish, and while I love my WorldTeach experience, peace corps for 27 months seems to be only a self-investment and, now, I think I'm beginning to see the enormous power of money, knowledge, and an expanded compassionate world view. I also have read in RDPD yet another compelling account, which matches my personal experience, of how the "safe" route is actually the route that will lead me to the stagnant powerless place I fear most. When have I ever EVER learned from the safe route? Safe is passive, and I've been self-preaching activism. I do not ever want to live in the suburbs. I do not want complacency. I want randomness and articulation...I must stay focused. I want to learn. I'm there to learn and practice. I want to volunteer at 826 NYC. I do not want to go to *********'s parties. I do not want to spend my nights at cool bars. I want to have my money learn to make money. I want to have lunch with people who are doing things I want to do, and when we eat I will tell them that I'm learning what I'm learning and that when I'm sufficiently charged I'm theirs. I have to have a purpose behind all of my decisions and actions, and I must continue to remind myself how valuable my time is. You become what you do and what you read and where you devote your time. I owe it to my like minded friends. I'm awfully strong right now, being built by my fears. *** - Day 49, in Costa Rica